Finding old treasures

I see my last post was December 2010. So much has changed since then. I changed jobs, experienced the excitement of interviewing for the Rhodes scholarship and the disappoingment of not being selected, met the man of my dreams, wrote the LSAT, applied to law school, got in, got married, and started law school. I also ran a few half marathons, volunteered quited a bit, travelled ... it's been a wonderfully full 3 years. 

It's funny ... despite all of the many blessings that occurred, I feel I'm in a bit of a rut. Partly it's because I still feel similar feelings of self doubt. I'd have thought that three years worth of 'living' would have cured that! 

I wish I could go back three years and tell myself, you're good. You're really good. Just be you. That's enough. 

I guess maybe that's what I need to learn today. And that's why I decided to look back at this blog after so many years. Embracing imperfection, feeling content, eliminating self-doubt, etc. doesn't magically happen. It takes intention, commitment, ongoing work (or at least that's what the first few pages of the book I just started reading ("the Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown) says. 

The book  made me think that maybe my three-year younger self was onto something. Something that I should pick up, but not exactly where I left off. I know in the last three years, I've grown. I've matured. I've gained wisdom.  

I'm excited to continue my journey to embracing imperfection 

The world needs more cheerleaders!! :) The Oilers are on to something!

I was listening to the radio today and they were talking about how although we try to encourage people to do more work/be more creative/work harder by offering rewards, it has been proven (through 40 years of research apparently :)) not to work. Humans are interesting creatures; we aren't solely motivated by 'rewards', but get excited about seeing progress and are encouraged by the opportunity to be creative. :) They talked about finding ways to make even tasks that seem repetitive an opportunity to think outside of the box.

This got me thinking about how wonderful it would be if everyone felt empowered. Can you imagine how incredible the world would be? How many problems could be solved by this explosion in human brilliance? What would it take to give everyone feelings of confidence...to feel inspired to wake up and share their gifts with the world? Instead of waking up worried that they aren't good enough, that they will make mistakes, that their wrists will be slapped. In a future post I will share with you another Margaret Wheatley quote about power, control and progress. :)

I know all too well what it's like to question your abilities, your skills, yourself. Feelings of inadequacy and uselessness are never fun emotions, and I'd be lying if I said I never experienced them. I'm very lucky though, to be surrounded by cheerleaders who give me little 'pick me ups' when I need them the most. I worry about the people who aren't as lucky. When life hurts, we all need to be surrounded by a blanket of support...to help us feel like we're capable once again.

I realize as I read this over that I'm combining a few unique topics. You're probably thinking - there's a difference between feeling inadequate and being inspired in your work. And there is. I agree, but I argue that in order to be inspired with what you are doing, you need to have a certain baseline of feelings of potential. You need to have the confidence that either you have the skills or with training, reading, practice you will gain the skills needed to be successful. Without those feelings of potential, you lose hope and without hope, why would you try?

That's what I think we need -- little angels to go around every night whispering in peoples ears that they have potential.

Real change can happen!

This story inspires me! It reminds me of the changes that everyday people can make with a bit of passion! A group of dads saw that something needed to be done, brainstormed, found a great idea, and then saw it to the end!

Taxi Cool program wants to keep kids from taking the wheel intoxicated

Work Life Balance -- Definable?

I know I'm pretty young in my career; I'm really just getting my feet wet. This transition into the real world has made me quite attune to some of the 'intricacies' of the working world that might become the status quo for those who've been at it for longer.

Work life balance is a concept I'm carefully studying. I love examining people's approaches to their careers and their personal life...there are so many ways to approach it that can lead to equally fulfilling lives.

I'll share a few memorable moments that have helped shape my questions:

- Today I was talking about hobbies with a woman who has had a quite successful career. She mentioned that she really never got into any interests because she was so committed to her work. My initial reaction was one of sadness -- how could work be it? Afterwards I then questioned my automatic assumption that her work couldn't provide her all the fulfillment she needed. I started to think about this strange world we live in -- the pressure/stress people feel at work and also the potential pressure people feel to have a list of hobbies/activities to make life interesting. If someone finds so much meaning in the work that they do that they devote their 'life' to it, should that not be celebrated? Is there a level of healthy workaholism?


A really brilliant colleague of mine shared a secret tip with me. At the end of each week she examines her spirit, reflecting on where she is at as a human being. This seemed like such a simple exercise, yet so powerful. And I think it holds the answer to my question about achieving work-life balance. I think by putting our working life and non-work life into separate boxes, we've artificially constructed this separation of self. Really, at the end of the day does it matter whether we are paid to find our oomph or if it comes from volunteering or other activities? Somedays I know my spirit soars from work (I'm really lucky that way), other days it's from spending time with family or friends...other days I get it on a run.

Anyway, today I was just reminded of how often we are hit with conflicting messages (work hard but don't work too hard) and become stressed out about scheduling in the 'stress relief' that we're told we need!

What I'm taking from today: Don't let life become a massive to do list, where even 'spirit lifting' activities become a chore. Do what energizes you -- and if that's work and YOU feel balanced, that's fine!

The Roots of a Movement?

I'm sure most of you are well aware of my well honed ability to mull! Lately the facebook cartoon campaign to end violence against children has been on my mind. I find that it is such an interesting concept; particularly insightful are the pockets of negativity that have been directed towards it.

As you read some of the earlier posts, you'll see that I am admittedly an idealist. I recognize that the world's problems won't be solved in a day, but I wholeheartedly believe that a solution is possible. This view makes me hurt when I see people 'complaining' or 'dismissing' people for changing their profile pictures. I know that the small act of switching a profile picture won't immediately improve how children are viewed in society (even though I really wish it could), but I will never dismiss its potential or question the intentions of those who do it.

All movements have had to start somewhere!! I was incredibly impressed how quickly it spread. People who I never expected would 'care' were some of the first to change their profile pictures. We were given a glimpse of how much people care about children -- and now comes the exciting part, leveraging that enthusiasm!! It's not that people are inherently lazy, but infrastructure is needed to support moving passion to action. :) BUT, we mustn't be like "all you suckers who thought you were making a difference by changing your pic need to follow it up with $, time, etc" ... instead let's acknowledge and embrace the first step people make! Not complain that it wasn't big enough!

:) I'm reminded of a quote by Margaret Wheatley "There is no power for change greater than a community discovering what it cares about". The discovering process takes time and in today's world maybe a facebook campaign to kick start it! Let's celebrate people caring, becoming engaged, finding their voice!


Lessons for today:
- Embrace people's passions! Assume people are coming from a place of good intentions.

- Celebrate what is! Forget about how you had hoped it would work or what you had expected to happen! Well not completely forget, but gently let it go! Be mindful of the learning opportunities, but don't let it impede your ability to be excited by the beauty of the lessons of the moment.

Embracing Learning Opportunities

I'm going to pull this blog out from hibernation!

Starting today, I'm hoping to capture at least one opportunity for learning!

Lesson # 1:

- Embrace youthfulness! :) In 10 years, I'll be kicking myself for all the wasted worry about my inexperience. Instead, I'm going to embrace the potential for growth.

Update! :)

Over a month has passed since my last post. It's crazy how time flies. I think I can describe my experience like a person who's never used a treadmill before. As I started I was a little uncertain about the fact that I was on this machine that was moving, I wasn't sure if I could handle it, how to react to it, etc. Then over time, I realized that if I kept putting one foot ahead of the other, I was ok. Walking, a skill I was familiar with already, could be applied to solve the problem. I had the tools to deal with it! Life is good! Then, just as I was getting comfortable with this walking thing, I began to notice that the speed was being altered... there were periods of increasing pace which took me off guard...but once again, just needed to get my bearings and do what I knew how to do. Then, just as I was getting comfortable again, the whole treadmill started to move upwards. A little less surprised by this "shake up", I knew I could manage the incline by adjusting my pace, maybe doing some strength training on the side to build up my strength and skills.

I think I mentioned this before, but I'm continuing to become more comfortable and excited to experience those uncomfortable moments where I'm pushed out of my element and forced to grow. It's fun to see how far my limits can be stretched.

Sports and Society

I'm so excited to see how the World Cup unfolds ... I just watched a clip on the news about how it is uniting South Africa. I find it incredible to think that sport holds so much power.

I've been listening to a lot of community members talk about community assets and memorable experiences where they felt connected and a lot are around sports. Building the local rink or playground, participating in community soccer leagues, going for nightly walks in the community were highlights in a lot of people's lives.

The potential of sport to contribute to the development of a better world is under-recognized...one day we'll finally get it.

Graduation Day!!

I guess I hit an official "adulthood" milestone today -- Convocation.

It was quite the experience. I had been hesitant to attend...my thoughts on the whole thing were that it was an artificial construction -- an opportunity for us to pat ourselves on the back for perpetuating inequalities that exist within society. Although there are some traditions that are a bit archaic, it was quite the 'uplifing' day. More later!

Ready to be inspired!

I learned three really good lessons these past few days that have contributed to my inner happiness revolution/journey to embracing imperfection.

1) Just try

2) Be open for inspiration

3) Think everyone is coming from a positive place


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1) Just Try: I don't think I finished off that blog post where I talked about my dentist appointment and how fantastic it was. Well, following our discussion about how girls and women sometimes internalize the weight of the world, I come to my car and there's a parking ticket. I had parked in a lot that was right next to another parking company lot and purchased the ticket from the dispenser nearest my car, which was from the other lot. I had no idea there was more than one parking company Impark is too well publicized!! I was being incredibly hard on myself...then rememberd the whole conversation I had just had with my dentist about sometimes failing to really see the magnitude of mistakes...i.e., a $50 ticket is not the end of the world. Well, as it turns out, I called the company and explained my situation. The woman on the phone was fantastic, and said that it is unfortunate that happened and offered to cancel my ticket! I had walked into the conversation thinking that the "parking company" was out to get me and would be unwilling to help me out, and in the end they were more than pleasant. ... this experience helped me out with number 3 of my "learnings".

2) Be open for inspiration: I attended this "interesting" public lecture on the future of Alberta. There were some 'issues' that I won't go into about a lot of what was presented, but one thing that I got out of it was a quote from this woman who said that we all should be open to inspiration from everyone we are in contact with. It just resonated with me... when you enter conversations and relationships with a willingness to learn from the other individual and with an appreciation for what they can offer, you 'live'. I think the world would be a much better place if we all put aside our preconceived notions of others and were willing to let them inspire us. We can have differences in opinions, but I believe we all have something of value to share.

3)Approach situations as if everyone is coming from a positive place ... instead of thinking people will be overly critical, try to think of them as just trying to help. It will definitely make a difference on my everyday outlook. It's uplifting to think that people are working with you and not against you... It goes a long with be open for inspiration. :)

Where do I fit in?

The big question. This actually reminds me of a song we sang in choir when I was in grade 4 and 5.

CHILD OF THE UNIVERSE
1. The sun is only a star, around that star we spin.
But there are many other star; where do we fit in?
I am only a grain of sand tossed by water and wind
But there are many grains of sand; where do I fit in?

(Refrain)
Child of the universe, let your spirit fly.
You are the special one, and here's the reason why,
You're a child of the universe, so climb your mountains high.
You are the chosen one to try and touch the sky.

2.Tell me, what can I aim for in a world that's quickly changing?
Tell me what my purpose is; where do I fit in?
Shall I follow a dream? Or are dreams just made for children?
Well all of us are children now. That's where I fit in.

(Refrain)

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It's quite the question. I sometimes feel lost. I'm 22 years old in such a huge world. I've been told I have a "promising future", but what does that really mean? What makes someone hold more 'promise' than someone else? And really? Are we just saying that I measure up to some "ideal" that we arbitrarily set. Hmm... I wonder why a certain portion of the population seem to be showing more promise than other demographics?

On another note, I've been thinking about how nice it would be to have a "concrete role". I'm forming my "adult" identity while in a role with a very vague job description. I think what I miss is structure. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. It's great how it isn't confined (for the most part) by the conventions of today's world...there's so much room for out of the box. It just would be nice to have one part of my life stable. I know it's incredibly selfish and I have a lot more stability in my life than a lot of people, I just need to embrace the uncertainty.

Long story...

Wants the world to be ok...

I've noticed that despite thinking I'm a cynic, I'm actually an optimist.

I believe in people and their passions. I'm probably a little (or a lot) naive, but I like to think that people enter fields because they believe they can change the world for the better through that profession. I know that there are tons of teachers, nurses, doctors, social workers, accountants, etc., etc. etc. working incredibly hard trying to create their version of the perfect reality. I know there are differences in people's "ideal" realities, but when you really look at things closely, I think it ultimately comes down to being sure my family and friends are happy. We want to live in a world where we have the potential to maximize our happiness.

I think people are so quick to judge and find faults and differences and neglect to notice the commonalities. There are so many absolutely incredible individuals who are super passionate about what they are doing

I guess I am just really sad to continue to hear the language of negativity. Our systems aren't perfect, but that doesn't mean that there aren't a huge number of people working trying to improve them. I think it's really unfortunate that sometimes that's the angle we take and instead of valuing the work that is being done, we complain about it. I.e., the view that "the civil service is a bunch of bureaucrats who do nothing but push paper all day". If you have a basic understanding of psychology (or any common sense for that matter), I think you'll realize that no one gets motivated when you tell them the work they are doing is meaningless.

I'm a big fan of the language of collaboration as an alternative. I think we need to get past this "competition" view...we know everyone works hard and has stressful lives. I think instead of complaining about other sectors, organizations or fields we need to start conversations, make suggestions.

Again, this is probably me being naive, but I like to think our systems are not fixed. We can make changes.

I know I sometimes go on tangents about some of the 'systems' that irk me...starting now I am going to adopt a philosophy of not wasting time/energy complaining. Instead, I will devote my time to learning more about the issues.

Selfishness and stubborness are not a good combination.

Why is our world filled with people who harbour both those traits!?!?!

I sometimes feel a mix between the narrator in The Yellow Wallpaper, Holden in Catcher in the Rye, and April in Revolutionary Road.

I don't want to be a drone.

Living Happy

Happiness is a choice...

It hit me today...I'm an adult. The whole "when I grow up" is now. I've continued to read the book, The Happiness Project and it has become my guilty pleasure. I've started a lovely tradition of treating myself to some time following a day of work where I retreat to either a park bench or couch inside a coffee shop. That half hour a few times a week has been beautiful.

I'm not sure if I've ever explained the purpose of the book. It's about this woman who realizes that she's not as happy as she could/or should be. She has an absolutely amazing life, but tends to let the little stressors in life wear her down. The book follows her journey to improve her happiness, much like I've tried to use this blog. I found a lot of similarities in our lives...we're both not unhappy by any means, just want to ensure we're making the most out of the joys in our lives. It's all about the simple things (i.e., my little coffee treats). What I like about her book is that she is very down to earth. She normalizes a lot of my innerconflict (i.e., is it alright to worry about your own happiness when you aren't really unhappy and you know a lot of people in the world are suffering). I deserve to feel ok and don't have to feel guilty about being me. That was a big thing to learn... There's such a fine line between being grateful and feeling guilty. Being grateful for "all that is right in your life" is one thing... feeling guilty that everyone else doesn't have what you have is another. A lot of my energy over the past few years was wasted worrying about how "unfair" life was for others. I wondered why I was given such an easy life...it just didn't seem fair. I did my best to 'give back', recycle the beauties of my life...but why? Was it because it was right? How did I know? I've realized that although it's incredibly important to recognize the privilege that you hold and to be conscious of the inequality that exists and to work to prevent the preservation of that inequality...it's useless to let it constantly impede you from feeling happy.

I think self discovery has a played a big part in this. I'm becoming more self aware...I know I'm far from 'self actualization', but I'm only 22...what do you expect!? I sometimes wonder what it feels like to have a midlife crisis...and if I've suffered several of those. Either every transition in life accompanies a similar need to redefine reality like the one experienced by middle agers when they are on the verge of retirement and their children leave home, or it's a sign I'm going to have a shortened life (that stupid diet pepsi!!). I've come to realize that being miserable because life isn't fair for others does little to solve the problems that plague our society (you'd think that was a no brainer...I wish it was, I could have avoided a lot of sleepless nights and emotionally charged runs).

On another note... today I realized something in the realm of love. I'm ok. I'm not sure why I realized this today, but it's exhilarating. There's this love issue that I've been dealing with for quite some time (long story, kind of like Romeo and Juliet, but different). It's taken me a long time and quite a few ups and downs to finally realize that sometimes love isn't enough. It's that simple.

So... Mr. "almost right", thank you. Maybe one day the stars will align, but until then, I'm ok flying solo.

Being Shaughnessy

So, today was interesting. The more I think about it, the more grateful I become for the way it unfolded.

I'll cut to the good stuff.

I had a dentist appointment to get a filling replaced. My teeth have suffered the consequences of my addiction to diet pepsi, but that's a different story. I have found a phenomenal dentist in Edmonton. She is absolutely brilliant and incredibly down to earth. She tells it like it is, doesn't lecture and makes you feel like you are the most health conscious person in the world for visiting her (for an appointment that really should have been made months ago, with a mouth that sees floss far too infrequently). In any case, she's great at what she does and I really actually enjoy our visits. Today, it so happened that I was reading this months issue of Macleans and it had an article on anxiety in teen girls. It really resonated with me (I wonder why?!) and I mentioned how the average anxiety level of teen girls today is equivalent to girls who would have been admitted into psychiatric care 50 years ago. Crazy, eh? The article, unfortunately had a very pitiful ending ... bandaid solution = monitor your daughter's time on the internet to 30 minutes per night. I felt it was an incredibly inadequate ending. The anxiety that plagues society I don't think is attributed to the amount of time girls spend on facebook/what they see/do on facebook or other social networking sites. I think it's a function of the broader north american society and the expectations that women and girls (and some men, too) internalize. I was at a meeting today and someone mentioned that everyone in one sector is stressed to the max. Around the room, everyone echoed that sentiment for their organizations. Why do we accept that!? No wonder our girls have anxiety issues when everyone around them in roles they "respect" and "admire" is "stressed to the max". As a selfish citizen I would really appreciate change to this ... I don't want my doctor/dentist/child's teacher/professor/banker etc. etc. etc. at their wits ends all of the time. It seems as though we've equated "hard work" with a level of stress that is driving people insane. If you don't feel at least a little neurotic, then you must either be slacking off, or you aren't making a valuable contribution to society.

hmm. either I am way off base (and we've found where my teenage anxiety issues originated) or our world has reached a point where an individuals ability to truely experience happiness is diminished. I'm not saying everyone walks around miserable all of the time...I know people don't. I know it is possible to experience job satisfaction, life satisfaction while being swamped with deadlines. BUT what I am saying is that I am worried that we've diminished our ability to feel a sense of peace or happiness, one that cannot occur when people are "stressed to the max".

all i can i do is be me, whoever that is -- bob dylan

Tonight I had quite the Tanzania withdrawal...I went for a run and saw a beautiful sunset that reminded me of the amazing Tanzanian sunrises. I have been thinking quite a bit about what that the trip meant for me in my life journey.

I often yearn to go back to that time in my life (I sound really old). Looking back it was such an escape from reality, one that I really hadn't expected. I had the idealistic view that it would be life altering, but I don't think I fully appreciated the extent to which it would change me.

Tonight as I was planning my next "escape", it really hit me how lucky I am to have the opportunity to escape from my reality. The ability to create a set of circumstances that enables me to feel at peace with the world is such a strange feature of our society. Thinking more closely, I wonder why I feel I need to 'construct' happiness ... why I can't experience the sense of peace here at home each day. This brings me back to the Happiness Journey boook -- it is written by a woman who has an amazing life, one that really couldn't get much better. Despite this, although she isn't unhappy, she recognizes that she isn't living as happy as she should. Little stressors are impacting her quality of life and she intends to do something about it.

I feel similar...I would really like to get a handle on my stress. Learning to embrace the imperfections of the day that make life interesting is a goal I'm working hard to achieve. I'm getting better at it, I think...recognizing that I am ok no matter what.

Here's a quote from Bob Dylan that I stole from a friends blog ...

all i can i do is be me, whoever that is

- bob dylan



I think I'm learning to "be Shaughnessy", just as the author was learning to "be Gretchen". Figuring out who I am is an ongoing challenge. I worry about the extent to which society is impacting my "being". It's a scary thought that you could strive so much to conform to fit within social norms that you lose your sense of self. Perhaps that's why we need to construct the 'escape'...we've lost the ability to know ourselves enough to connect to the bits of happiness around us.

More to come...

This image captures what I feel often when trying to find balance between work, school, life, family, friends, health, volunteer work, reading, etc.

May Long Weekend!

I am at home and now have some time to catch up on this blog...

I've been working on a few books this weekend. I finished "Our Iceberg is Melting" which is a cute read that captures the process of change really nicely. My only criticism of the book is that it approaches change very much through the lens of "westernized" society...although the perception of the 'agents' within our society is quite humorous.

I am also in the middle of 'The Happiness Project' -- it is an interesting read that I will write about later!

It's been a really good weekend. It is the first weekend in a very long time that I have had nothing pressing to do. I have caught up on sleep, reading, and connecting with family. It's been a little break from reality that has made me conscious of the importance of unwinding.

One month in ...

Wow. Time sure flies. I'm done one month of my job! I'm beginning to get the hang of it ... or well, I guess I am just becoming more comfortable with uncertainty. I think the worry/challenges associated with changes in life doesn't diminish as you age, I think you just become better at accepting it and not letting it stress you out. I'm also becoming aware of the need to define yourself beyond your job...I need a life to step into when the day is done. Luckily enough, I have a great support network filled with family and friends.

It's a mixture of excitement and apprehension that accompanies each day as I head into the office. It's an incredible project, but community development does not come with a manual. I'm learning a lot, both about early child development and about myself. I've questioned my decision to accept this position quite a few times... have I watered down my passion, have I overestimated my experience, did they make a mistake when they selected me? Scary thoughts, but for now I'm thinking about just embracing the moment. For now, this job is right, but I'm more than the job. I have to have faith in me and in life. I believe that it's up to us to make the most of every moment.

This weekend I attended my cousin's graduation and their theme was "struggle and emerge". Those words rang true with me. I think the place where true confidence comes from is having faith in your ability to deal with anything that comes your way...not just your ability to do the task, but being able to be ok with yourself at your worst. I guess that goes with the title...embracing imperfection. :) Recognizing the value and not being ashamed of your quirks and the little things that make you human.