Selfishness and stubborness are not a good combination.

Why is our world filled with people who harbour both those traits!?!?!

I sometimes feel a mix between the narrator in The Yellow Wallpaper, Holden in Catcher in the Rye, and April in Revolutionary Road.

I don't want to be a drone.

Living Happy

Happiness is a choice...

It hit me today...I'm an adult. The whole "when I grow up" is now. I've continued to read the book, The Happiness Project and it has become my guilty pleasure. I've started a lovely tradition of treating myself to some time following a day of work where I retreat to either a park bench or couch inside a coffee shop. That half hour a few times a week has been beautiful.

I'm not sure if I've ever explained the purpose of the book. It's about this woman who realizes that she's not as happy as she could/or should be. She has an absolutely amazing life, but tends to let the little stressors in life wear her down. The book follows her journey to improve her happiness, much like I've tried to use this blog. I found a lot of similarities in our lives...we're both not unhappy by any means, just want to ensure we're making the most out of the joys in our lives. It's all about the simple things (i.e., my little coffee treats). What I like about her book is that she is very down to earth. She normalizes a lot of my innerconflict (i.e., is it alright to worry about your own happiness when you aren't really unhappy and you know a lot of people in the world are suffering). I deserve to feel ok and don't have to feel guilty about being me. That was a big thing to learn... There's such a fine line between being grateful and feeling guilty. Being grateful for "all that is right in your life" is one thing... feeling guilty that everyone else doesn't have what you have is another. A lot of my energy over the past few years was wasted worrying about how "unfair" life was for others. I wondered why I was given such an easy life...it just didn't seem fair. I did my best to 'give back', recycle the beauties of my life...but why? Was it because it was right? How did I know? I've realized that although it's incredibly important to recognize the privilege that you hold and to be conscious of the inequality that exists and to work to prevent the preservation of that inequality...it's useless to let it constantly impede you from feeling happy.

I think self discovery has a played a big part in this. I'm becoming more self aware...I know I'm far from 'self actualization', but I'm only 22...what do you expect!? I sometimes wonder what it feels like to have a midlife crisis...and if I've suffered several of those. Either every transition in life accompanies a similar need to redefine reality like the one experienced by middle agers when they are on the verge of retirement and their children leave home, or it's a sign I'm going to have a shortened life (that stupid diet pepsi!!). I've come to realize that being miserable because life isn't fair for others does little to solve the problems that plague our society (you'd think that was a no brainer...I wish it was, I could have avoided a lot of sleepless nights and emotionally charged runs).

On another note... today I realized something in the realm of love. I'm ok. I'm not sure why I realized this today, but it's exhilarating. There's this love issue that I've been dealing with for quite some time (long story, kind of like Romeo and Juliet, but different). It's taken me a long time and quite a few ups and downs to finally realize that sometimes love isn't enough. It's that simple.

So... Mr. "almost right", thank you. Maybe one day the stars will align, but until then, I'm ok flying solo.

Being Shaughnessy

So, today was interesting. The more I think about it, the more grateful I become for the way it unfolded.

I'll cut to the good stuff.

I had a dentist appointment to get a filling replaced. My teeth have suffered the consequences of my addiction to diet pepsi, but that's a different story. I have found a phenomenal dentist in Edmonton. She is absolutely brilliant and incredibly down to earth. She tells it like it is, doesn't lecture and makes you feel like you are the most health conscious person in the world for visiting her (for an appointment that really should have been made months ago, with a mouth that sees floss far too infrequently). In any case, she's great at what she does and I really actually enjoy our visits. Today, it so happened that I was reading this months issue of Macleans and it had an article on anxiety in teen girls. It really resonated with me (I wonder why?!) and I mentioned how the average anxiety level of teen girls today is equivalent to girls who would have been admitted into psychiatric care 50 years ago. Crazy, eh? The article, unfortunately had a very pitiful ending ... bandaid solution = monitor your daughter's time on the internet to 30 minutes per night. I felt it was an incredibly inadequate ending. The anxiety that plagues society I don't think is attributed to the amount of time girls spend on facebook/what they see/do on facebook or other social networking sites. I think it's a function of the broader north american society and the expectations that women and girls (and some men, too) internalize. I was at a meeting today and someone mentioned that everyone in one sector is stressed to the max. Around the room, everyone echoed that sentiment for their organizations. Why do we accept that!? No wonder our girls have anxiety issues when everyone around them in roles they "respect" and "admire" is "stressed to the max". As a selfish citizen I would really appreciate change to this ... I don't want my doctor/dentist/child's teacher/professor/banker etc. etc. etc. at their wits ends all of the time. It seems as though we've equated "hard work" with a level of stress that is driving people insane. If you don't feel at least a little neurotic, then you must either be slacking off, or you aren't making a valuable contribution to society.

hmm. either I am way off base (and we've found where my teenage anxiety issues originated) or our world has reached a point where an individuals ability to truely experience happiness is diminished. I'm not saying everyone walks around miserable all of the time...I know people don't. I know it is possible to experience job satisfaction, life satisfaction while being swamped with deadlines. BUT what I am saying is that I am worried that we've diminished our ability to feel a sense of peace or happiness, one that cannot occur when people are "stressed to the max".

all i can i do is be me, whoever that is -- bob dylan

Tonight I had quite the Tanzania withdrawal...I went for a run and saw a beautiful sunset that reminded me of the amazing Tanzanian sunrises. I have been thinking quite a bit about what that the trip meant for me in my life journey.

I often yearn to go back to that time in my life (I sound really old). Looking back it was such an escape from reality, one that I really hadn't expected. I had the idealistic view that it would be life altering, but I don't think I fully appreciated the extent to which it would change me.

Tonight as I was planning my next "escape", it really hit me how lucky I am to have the opportunity to escape from my reality. The ability to create a set of circumstances that enables me to feel at peace with the world is such a strange feature of our society. Thinking more closely, I wonder why I feel I need to 'construct' happiness ... why I can't experience the sense of peace here at home each day. This brings me back to the Happiness Journey boook -- it is written by a woman who has an amazing life, one that really couldn't get much better. Despite this, although she isn't unhappy, she recognizes that she isn't living as happy as she should. Little stressors are impacting her quality of life and she intends to do something about it.

I feel similar...I would really like to get a handle on my stress. Learning to embrace the imperfections of the day that make life interesting is a goal I'm working hard to achieve. I'm getting better at it, I think...recognizing that I am ok no matter what.

Here's a quote from Bob Dylan that I stole from a friends blog ...

all i can i do is be me, whoever that is

- bob dylan



I think I'm learning to "be Shaughnessy", just as the author was learning to "be Gretchen". Figuring out who I am is an ongoing challenge. I worry about the extent to which society is impacting my "being". It's a scary thought that you could strive so much to conform to fit within social norms that you lose your sense of self. Perhaps that's why we need to construct the 'escape'...we've lost the ability to know ourselves enough to connect to the bits of happiness around us.

More to come...

This image captures what I feel often when trying to find balance between work, school, life, family, friends, health, volunteer work, reading, etc.

May Long Weekend!

I am at home and now have some time to catch up on this blog...

I've been working on a few books this weekend. I finished "Our Iceberg is Melting" which is a cute read that captures the process of change really nicely. My only criticism of the book is that it approaches change very much through the lens of "westernized" society...although the perception of the 'agents' within our society is quite humorous.

I am also in the middle of 'The Happiness Project' -- it is an interesting read that I will write about later!

It's been a really good weekend. It is the first weekend in a very long time that I have had nothing pressing to do. I have caught up on sleep, reading, and connecting with family. It's been a little break from reality that has made me conscious of the importance of unwinding.

One month in ...

Wow. Time sure flies. I'm done one month of my job! I'm beginning to get the hang of it ... or well, I guess I am just becoming more comfortable with uncertainty. I think the worry/challenges associated with changes in life doesn't diminish as you age, I think you just become better at accepting it and not letting it stress you out. I'm also becoming aware of the need to define yourself beyond your job...I need a life to step into when the day is done. Luckily enough, I have a great support network filled with family and friends.

It's a mixture of excitement and apprehension that accompanies each day as I head into the office. It's an incredible project, but community development does not come with a manual. I'm learning a lot, both about early child development and about myself. I've questioned my decision to accept this position quite a few times... have I watered down my passion, have I overestimated my experience, did they make a mistake when they selected me? Scary thoughts, but for now I'm thinking about just embracing the moment. For now, this job is right, but I'm more than the job. I have to have faith in me and in life. I believe that it's up to us to make the most of every moment.

This weekend I attended my cousin's graduation and their theme was "struggle and emerge". Those words rang true with me. I think the place where true confidence comes from is having faith in your ability to deal with anything that comes your way...not just your ability to do the task, but being able to be ok with yourself at your worst. I guess that goes with the title...embracing imperfection. :) Recognizing the value and not being ashamed of your quirks and the little things that make you human.